Sabtu, 11 Januari 2014

Let's Start Talking About LOVE! : My Forever Lacuna

"YOU know. The thirst, the hunger, the spaces, and the emptiness. Are YOURS to fit."

I don't know how to describe this feeling.

But since you and I are already here, let me try to explain.
And you may try to understand.

I feel like there is a big, deep hole here in me. 
I don't know where it is. 
In my heart? In my mind? In my soul?
If only I knew where exactly it is, I'm okay to lose one of those three things.
Just so I could get rid of this hole.

I can't see through it. I don't know where it ends, or even whether it has an end or not.
I barely see anything in it. It's too dark. A total blackout.

I want to see what's there inside the hole.

I want to put in some light. Maybe it will shine a bit.
So I prepare a hand-made sun. Waiting for it to rise.
But it never does.

I keep trying to put in some light.
So I take lamp, arrange the electricity, and switch it on.
I lay it down. 
But it falls into the hole.

I stop trying, and look for another way to handle this hellish thing.

I want to pretend that it's not there.
I want to pretend that the hole doesn't even exist.

So I grab anything I could to cover it.
But when I step onto it, they all fall down.

I throw anything I have into it,
hoping it will be filled out by such things so there will be no hole at all.
But they go nowhere and disappear.

I'm just sitting here like a fool.
It's not like I don't want to be happy.
But I have no idea how to even be happy.
With that hole.

Am I too selfish to expect a flawless self?
Without any hole like this.

It doesn't hurt. It doesn't aches.
It just feels so empty.
It just feels so lonely.
It just feels deeply frustrating.

It scares. And I'm scared of falling down.

And now.
It starts to absorb my happiness.
The happiness I try to collect while ignoring this piece of shit.
Like I'm not allowed to smile even a bit.

Worse things are,
it starts to kill my hope. my dreams. my wishes.
it starts to mute every roar I voice.
it starts to eat me alive.

Only my faith is there to help.
Because the one I wait for can't help.
Or I don't let him to help.
For I know, at the end,
only my faith is there to help.

I look for a way out of this all.
But the doors are all closed.

It drives me crazier day and night.
I wake up with that hole.
Do everything trying to ignore it.
But I end up sleeping with it.
And wake up with it. And ignore it. And sleep with it again.
Again and again.

It drives me crazier day and night.
My laughters are limited.
My tears are hold.
My thoughts are cut off.
My soul is soaking around, losing one by one its life.
It's just about time for me to die.

I don't want to be seen.
I'd like to disappear.
For the hole will stop doing its activity to turn me off if it can't find me.

Maybe you'll see my body,
But me isn't there.
You may talk to me,
But you don't know who you're talking to.

Should I live with this?


Should I not live with this?
You know, there are 2 possible answers for the last question.
I should not live with this, so I must get rid of this hole, then I live.
I should not live with this, and because I can't get rid of this hole, then I don't live.

It's clear.
I can't survive this anymore.
Because... it starts to ache.

Let me not live.


"But YOU don't take the courage to do so."

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