I'm not trying to make a rhyme as if my title were an antonym one another, but it's about a thing that our heart will always do in our life; a difficult one.
Which is to let in OR let go.
I have someone, who in a very short period, had worked my heart out, so it became really exhausted now, to do such thing like...
Letting in AND letting go.
So selfish, eh?
I was not thinking about anything else except studying and studying.
I was not expecting anything to come color my life on its dark side. It still has a bright side. So.
I was not imagining a story that later will be a daydream, a fantasy in the dream.
I was not, at all, wanting to experience a love that happens at the end of my high school period.
But then he came.
He came and I like how he talks, how he smiles, how he smirks, how he laughs, how he walks, how he smells, and how he becomes himself.
At first, I like him just as a person I like. Similar with the feeling you have for your friends at school, you like them just because they match yourselves.
Yeah, I thought it was just like that. No special affection. Just a friend I like.
After that, I started to feel so comfortable with him.
I asked my friend, "What is your ideal type of man?"
She answered, "No exact type. But hmm.... I think I'm gonna look at their shoes first, to make a first impression."
And I argued, "How could you take it counted? How if they are economically lacking?"
She again said, "I have said before, it's just a first impression. It's not a judgmental thing.
Don't you have one?"
I came to think it over. Yeah, what's my ideal type?
He, unconsciously, became the answer.
"I have," said me, "He must talk like him, smile like him, smirk like him, laugh like him, walk like him, smell like him, and act like him. Everything, like him."
I described him to my friend.
"So, you like him?"
"No, no. Just when someone asks me my ideal type, I will describe him."
I still convinced myself, yeah that's the ideal type. But it didn't necessarily mean I must have a feeling for him right?
You don't have to always love the ideal type, right?
WHAT A DENIAL.
that at the end came to... approval.
I didn't realize that I was happy back then when I was with him. But now, I throughly know that he is the one I want to be forever happy with.
I didn't realize that it was him that I waited to see everyday. But now, even my eyes are always searching him, at all corners, at all time.
I didn't realize that the one that eases the burden in my heart was him. But now, the one that I look for when I have a storm in my heart is him.
I didn't realize that I started to forget and let go everyone else from the past because of him. But now, for him, I command my heart to let in. Let him in.
my heart works very hard, yet it's a happiness. I'm happy, even when I'm jealous, I know I'm happy. I'm enjoying me and him. That sort of feeling. Very excited when there's no him, but a lot calmed when he's in my eyesight.
I come to a conclusion.
You, reader, get a conclusion too, right? May you explain yours? Yes, it is. Right.
But... he never knows. He never even gets a clue. He thinks I'm joking. He's the only one who can't guess.
Even you, reader, could grasp what he can't ever understand.
When he started a chat with me, I grew a little hope. What hope? Ah, you must have known.
Yes, it is. Right.
But it was just a good-manner before he asked me an important thing of his business.
When he made me laugh and I made him laugh back, I thought I potentially made a move.
But it was just a joke that any other comedian could do.
When he inspirit me and I got really encouraged, I guessed I was the lucky one.
But he did the same with everyone else.
Ah, typical. Typical expectation with the same result for any occasion : A FALSE HOPE.
my heart works very hard again, yet it's still a happiness. It still fulfills my need of him. Even though I must be sincere for any kind of loss feeling when he is not with me. I must realize that he, after all, won't be mine.
And... I think otherwise.
Why should I own him? Why should he see me in the way I see him?
Isn't it good for me to be a best friend of him who's gonna be there in any of his business?
Isn't it acceptable too for me to just be a comedian for him?
Isn't it also nice to get and enjoy any spirit from him?
Isn't it also okay to just be with him even if he doesn't belong to me?
Yeah, it's still preferable. And I agreed to do it.
my heart, you should work harder. You will not get any payback for anything you do for him, you will never.
ugh, be patient, heart. It's hard. Ok, never mind.
NO! I wake myself up. How stupid is it, heart? You do all that hard work but get no salary at all?
You better move on. You better walk out. You better forget. Yeah, you can.
It may be very hard at first, heart. But then you will release all the burden.
Hahahaha, what a perfect time to let go!
He said he wanted to go too!
But too sad... It's 'go' in the real meaning.
Yeah, he will go to a far and unreachable place.
I should let go.
Totally let go.
Ironically, after he's completely let in.
I have to kick him out of the door which he always can come it and come out anytime.
I need to stop grasping the shadow of him which always forms a true him anywhere I am.
I must stay still when my foots are already trembling, commanding all my muscle to go chase him. Chase him all the way. Reach him. Hold him. Take him with me.
Seeing my heart dying, like crying out loud while whispering in my ears, "What else do you want? You do it yourself. I'm already tired. I have no more energy. I'm out."
I then stopped. It's already finished. What else do I want? Nothing.
Time to let go.
Totally let go.
Gratefully, after my heart didn't die for him to completely be let in.
Thanks heart, for all the hard work.
For doing such dangerous jobs simultaneously.
Hi. A simple hi with a completely complicated and sophisticated bye. Bye.