Let's Start Talking About LIFE! : Baru Tahun 2014

Selamat Baru Tahun 2014!

Kebalik?
Enggak kok. Ga kebalik.
Emang "Baru Tahun 2014", bukan "Tahun Baru 2014".

Biar gak mainstream??
Enggak kok. Bukan itu.
Emang ini baru tahun 2014 kan.
Belum tahun 2020, atau 2030, atau 2000-berapapun yang menandakan saya sudah tua, sudah bau tanah, atau dunia sudah mau kiamat.

Terus kenapa kalau baru tahun 2014??? *mulai kepo

Begini ceritanya.

                                                                                                                                                                


Liburan panjang sekiranya memang yang paling siswa dambakan.
Mereka penat dengan tugas, ulangan, nilai, dan apapun yang menjadi kewajiban mereka di sekolah.
Mereka berharap bisa refresh otak mereka dengan games, films, canda tawa bersama teman, dan hal-hal menyenangkan lainnya.
Mereka berharap bisa bebas dari apaaaaa saja.

Tapi. Lain halnya dengan saya.
Saya memang mendambakan liburan panjang ini. Saya pikir, "Wah akan sangat menyenangkan!"
Saya pikir.

Tapi. Kenyataannya berbeda.
Alih-alih menghilangkan penat, saya malah bertambah-tambah-tambah mumet.
Liburan panjang membuat saya memiliki waktu luang yang panjang juga.
Waktu luang di mana saya tidak terpaksa memikirkan sesuatu yang menjadi kewajiban saya.
Dan dengan keluangan pikiran itu,
saya malah memikirkan hal-hal mengerikan.

Semisal.
Saya melihat akun media sosial teman saya yg sudah sangat sukses dengan biola klasiknya.
Saya menonton video yg abang saya rekam, seorang penyanyi bersuara tinggi dengan usia baru 13 tahun.
Saya membaca kicauan seorang member idol grup yg satu sekolah dengan saya.
Saya memandangi lukisan indah karya seseorang dengan umur sebaya saya.
Saya mengagumi seorang dancer keren di NezAcademy yang ternyata masih duduk di bangku SMA.

Bukan.
Keberhasilan mereka bukanlah hal-hal mengerikan yg saya maksud.
Tapi perasaan gagal saya lah yg mengerikan.

Saya merenung.

9 tahun les piano, hasilnya gak kunjung memuaskan. Bahkan seringkali hanya bikin patah hati. Akhirnya punya kesempatan ngajar piano, tapi gak pede dengan secuil ilmu yang saya punya. Kasihan nanti murid yang dapet saya sebagai gurunya, ilmunya masih cetek!

2 tahun lebih berdebat. Mengetuai Debating Land Community of Smanitra (DeLaCoSta) aka DLC.
Tapi hanya bisa menelurkan 1 piala juara 3 tarki cup, 1 piala champion CC cup, dan hanya bisa sampai pre-quarter di binus dan octo di alsa.

Ngarang satu buku lagu. Tapi gak berani ngasih ke siapapun. Takut dibajak, takut ditiru, takut ternyata plagiarisme yang saya gak sadari, takut perasaan yang saya tumpahkan di lagu-lagu itu ketahuan, dan banyak ketakutan lainnya.

Pada akhirnya, saya tau dan paham, bahwa saya takut bertindak.
Saya takut unjuk bakat, karena yang mereka nilai adalah kemampuan saya, bukan ekspresi saya.
Saya takut ikut kompetisi lagi, karena yang mereka nilai adalah skill, bukan musikalitas.
Saya takut debate lagi, karena banyak moral agama yang harus saya lawan kalau ingin menang.
Saya takut menyebarluaskan sebuah lagu, karena seringkali berakhir pilu.

Ketakutan bertindak itulah yang mengerikan.

Karena, ketakutan itu berdampak buruk, sangat buruk.
Saya gak bisa seperti mereka yang di usia mudanya, di usia yang sama seperti saya, mampu mencapai kesuksesan-kesuksesan besar. Luar biasa.

Mereka orang-orang dengan bakat hebat, dan keberanian untuk bertindak hebat.
Sedangkan saya, adalah seorang pengecut yang mencurahkan segalanya hanya untuk memuaskan dirinya sendiri, melegakan berbuncah emosi yang menunggu dikeluarkan lewat karya-karya yang bisa ia buat, tanpa mengharapkan apresiasi atas itu semua.
Ups. Tepatnya, mengharapkan apresiasi, tapi takut bertindak, sehingga melupakan impiannya untuk menggenggam sebuah prestasi.

Ketakutan demi ketakutan itu akhirnya berkolaborasi, yang bukannya menghasilkan motivasi untuk bangkit, malah menciptakan trauma pahit.
Trauma yang membuat saya malas menggali lagi apa yang sebelumnya dengan semangat saya gali.
Malas, takut, merasa sia-sia, itu dia.
Malas mendalami lagi, takut mempelajari lebih tekun lagi, dan merasa sia-sia, toh semuanya pada akhirnya cuma memuaskan diri saya sendiri. Gak bisa membuat orang lain kagum dan menghadiahi saya sebuah trophy.

Mengerikan bukan?

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Tapi.
Seiring dibukanya kalender baru. Sejalan dengan petasan di langit biru. Senada dengan terompet merdu.
Saya menyadari bahwa ada sebuah dimensi yang menjadi bagian dari kegundahan saya tadi.
DIMENSI WAKTU.

Saya melihat mereka, dengan waktu hidup yang sama dengan saya, bisa mencapai hasil yang berkali-kali lipat dari saya.
Lalu saya sadar, dan saya melihat waktu.
Ternyata, Baru Tahun 2014.
Ya, baru tahun 2014. Saya baru 17 tahun tanggal 4 Januari kemarin.
Dan saya masih punya berpuluh-puluh tahun waktu hidup yang saya, atau mereka, tidak tau akan jadi apa.

Saya masih punya kekuatan determinasi pada DIMENSI WAKTU ini.
Akan jadi apa, akan bagaimana, akan berbuat apa.
Saya bisa melakukan semua itu sekarang, dan nanti, dan sampai seterusnya.
Saya tahu kalau saya punya waktu, saya bisa. Saya akan bisa. Saya harus bisa.
Dan saya punya waktu. Masih banyak!

Sehingga saya meyakinkan diri saya sendiri.
Einstein gak menemukan rumus saat ia masih di bangku sekolah.
Ia menjadi sosok yang hebat karena prosesnya mulai dari sekolah, dan puncaknya ketika dewasa dan tua.
Beethoven bahkan susah sekali disuruh latihan piano oleh ayahnya waktu dia kecil.
Tapi ia menjadi sosok yang besar karena prosesnya dari kecil itu, dan puncaknya ketika ia dewasa dan tua.

Persetan dengan orang lain mencapai puncaknya kapan!
Entah itu waktu kecil, atau umur 13 tahun, atau belum genap 17 tahun, atau masih SMA, atau ketika sudah hampir meninggal.

Yang perlu kita tahu adalah, kita punya kekuatan determinasi pada dimensi waktu.
Kita punya waktu. Alat yang sangat hebat. Teramat hebat untuk bisa mengubah semua isi dunia.

So, ngapain takut?
Selamat Baru Tahun 2014, Bung! :)

Let's Start Talking About LOVE! : Datang dan Pergi

Ini adalah puisi, dan sekaligus lirik karena pada akhirnya dijadiin lagu, untuk orang yang ada di postingan sebelumnya, "Letting In and Letting Go".

Ini link ke lagunya. Maaf yah kalo suaranya jelek, liriknya lebay, trus lagunya biasa aja.
Maaf :")

Datang dan Pergi - GACS

_________________________________________________________________________________

DATANG DAN PERGI

Kau datang, di saat ku tak menyadari

Semua, kehadiranmu yang tak kukira

Kan bawa bahagia

Kan bawa gelak tawa

Namun juga air mata

Kau datang , di saat ku tak memerlukan

Apa, yang sungguh ajaib dan tak kukira

Kan bawa senyuman

Kan bawa suka cita

Namun juga duka lara

Ha Ha Ha

Ku telah jatuh cinta

Ha Ha Ha

Ku telah jatuh cinta

Kau pergi, di saat ku terikat oleh

Semua, kebaikanmu yang tak kusangka

Kan berakhir jua

Kan terlupa saja

Dan meninggalkan ku dengan

Sejuta kenangan tentangmu

Ha Ha Ha

Ku telah jatuh cinta

Ha Ha Ha

Denganmu ku jatuh cinta

_________________________________________________________________________________

Always after writing a song, I feel you.

I memorize you.

I freeze you in my mind.

And I keep you alive in my heart.

I rewind every single laughter.

I replay every single smile.

Only to get your touch in any emotion I am in.

Only to get... enough of you.

Although it's impossible.

Let's Start Talking About LOVE! : Letting IN and Letting GO

I'm not trying to make a rhyme as if my title were an antonym one another, but it's about a thing that our heart will always do in our life; a difficult one.

Which is to let in OR let go.

I have someone, who in a very short period, had worked my heart out, so it became really exhausted now, to do such thing like...

Letting in AND letting go.

So selfish, eh?

_________________________________________________________________________________

I was not thinking about anything else except studying and studying.

I was not expecting anything to come color my life on its dark side. It still has a bright side. So.

I was not imagining a story that later will be a daydream, a fantasy in the dream.

I was not, at all, wanting to experience a love that happens at the end of my high school period.

But then he came.

He came and I like how he talks, how he smiles, how he smirks, how he laughs, how he walks, how he smells, and how he becomes himself.

At first, I like him just as a person I like. Similar with the feeling you have for your friends at school, you like them just because they match yourselves.

Yeah, I thought it was just like that. No special affection. Just a friend I like.

After that, I started to feel so comfortable with him.

I asked my friend, "What is your ideal type of man?"

She answered, "No exact type. But hmm.... I think I'm gonna look at their shoes first, to make a first impression."

And I argued, "How could you take it counted? How if they are economically lacking?"

She again said, "I have said before, it's just a first impression. It's not a judgmental thing.

Don't you have one?"

I came to think it over. Yeah, what's my ideal type?

He, unconsciously, became the answer.

"I have," said me, "He must talk like him, smile like him, smirk like him, laugh like him, walk like him, smell like him, and act like him. Everything, like him."

I described him to my friend.

"So, you like him?"

"No, no. Just when someone asks me my ideal type, I will describe him."

I still convinced myself, yeah that's the ideal type. But it didn't necessarily mean I must have a feeling for him right? 

You don't have to always love the ideal type, right?

WHAT A DENIAL.

that at the end came to... approval.

I didn't realize that I was happy back then when I was with him. But now, I throughly know that he is the one I want to be forever happy with.

I didn't realize that it was him that I waited to see everyday. But now, even my eyes are always searching him, at all corners, at all time.

I didn't realize that the one that eases the burden in my heart was him. But now, the one that I look for when I have a storm in my heart is him.

I didn't realize that I started to forget and let go everyone else from the past because of him. But now, for him, I command my heart to let in. Let him in.

my heart works very hard, yet it's a happiness. I'm happy, even when I'm jealous, I know I'm happy. I'm enjoying me and him. That sort of feeling. Very excited when there's no him, but a lot calmed when he's in my eyesight.

I come to a conclusion. 

You, reader, get a conclusion too, right? May you explain yours? Yes, it is. Right.

But... he never knows. He never even gets a clue. He thinks I'm joking. He's the only one who can't guess.

Even you, reader, could grasp what he can't ever understand.

When he started a chat with me, I grew a little hope. What hope? Ah, you must have known. 

Yes, it is. Right.

But it was just a good-manner before he asked me an important thing of his business.

When he made me laugh and I made him laugh back, I thought I potentially made a move. 

But it was just a joke that any other comedian could do.

When he inspirit me and I got really encouraged, I guessed I was the lucky one.

But he did the same with everyone else.

Ah, typical. Typical expectation with the same result for any occasion : A FALSE HOPE.

my heart works very hard again, yet it's still a happiness. It still fulfills my need of him. Even though I must be sincere for any kind of loss feeling when he is not with me. I must realize that he, after all, won't be mine.

And... I think otherwise.

Why should I own him? Why should he see me in the way I see him?

Isn't it good for me to be a best friend of him who's gonna be there in any of his business?

Isn't it acceptable too for me to just be a comedian for him?

Isn't it also nice to get and enjoy any spirit from him?

Isn't it also okay to just be with him even if he doesn't belong to me?

Yeah, it's still preferable. And I agreed to do it.

my heart, you should work harder. You will not get any payback for anything you do for him, you will never.

ugh, be patient, heart. It's hard. Ok, never mind.

NO! I wake myself up. How stupid is it, heart? You do all that hard work but get no salary at all?

Foolish you...

You better move on. You better walk out. You better forget. Yeah, you can.

It may be very hard at first, heart. But then you will release all the burden.

Hahahaha, what a perfect time to let go!

He said he wanted to go too!

But too sad... It's 'go' in the real meaning.

Yeah, he will go to a far and unreachable place.

I should let go.

Totally let go.

Ironically, after he's completely let in.

I have to kick him out of the door which he always can come it and come out anytime.

I need to stop grasping the shadow of him which always forms a true him anywhere I am.

I must stay still when my foots are already trembling, commanding all my muscle to go chase him. Chase him all the way. Reach him. Hold him. Take him with me.

Impossible.

Seeing my heart dying, like crying out loud while whispering in my ears, "What else do you want? You do it yourself. I'm already tired. I have no more energy. I'm out."

I then stopped. It's already finished. What else do I want? Nothing.

Time to let go.

Totally let go.

Gratefully, after my heart didn't die for him to completely be let in.

Thanks heart, for all the hard work.

For doing such dangerous jobs simultaneously.

Hi. A simple hi with a completely complicated and sophisticated bye. Bye.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I see the memories of him in the most beautiful way. But as a rainbow disappears, as sun sets, as flowers withers, they became a view I too frequently saw, so it doesn't charm me anymore. Or at least I assume so.

In such a very short period, he sincerely taught my heart to do such difficult task all together.

Letting in AND letting go.

So generous, eh?

DEBATE : Congratulations, the newly elected President! Miss Zaneta :)

Welcome to the final round of leadership period of Miss Grace.
To open the self-debate, I call upon the speaker, myself.

*prok prok prok*

The first time I was chosen, I thought I would be experiencing hard time afterwards.
But in fact... well yeah I was :(

It's kinda tiring, when the following day, you're going to have a physics test, but that day, you still have a task to do as the commander : to arrange teams up like how many teams from DLC will compete, who will be in that team, and you have just one night to make it up due to registration deadline.
How frustrating it was when the next day, you were just able to answer 15 questions from 25 questions.
And without any doubt, I got 56. from 100.
But I have no-one to blame, as I myself have committed myself to this task, and yet I always hesitated to ask for help.
(I have given a code to someone that implicitly asks for help, but it doesn't work ._.v)

When I do something, I know I have to do the best. But unfortunately, there comes a time when you don't even know what is the point of doing the best alone, by yourself, when it's actually not for yourself but for the whole people. Why should I do my best? I can do just normally right, and if they beg for perfectness, they could do something too so we will give the best together.
But things aren't that easy.

At first, it's hard. But as the time goes by, you'll know the point of doing the best.
Achievements that make yourself proud of your best work.
Trophies come, and so do our pride. It rises.

When teaching newbies later give you 2 trophies, unexpectedly.
When arranging teams later gives them, the team member, affection as a new family one another.
When 2 years learning debate later gives you new sisterhood, new brotherhood, new things that you can always smile at. Even laugh at.

I'm not trying to prove that everything will give a payback. I'm telling you about how hardwork will never remain useless if you see the results from every side.
It's maybe your social life, your sense of leadership, your brand new ideas of life, your name written on indodebaters, or anything else.
For me, it's irreplaceable, unforgettable, and highly valuable.

I will miss how I'm chasing for vice president's of SMAN 1 Tangerang's signature on the paper to hold a practice in a classroom.
I will miss hurrying friends up to gather for a practice.
I will miss collecting the photos, student cards, and everything to register for a competition.
I will miss taking care of dispensation letter, publishing upcoming competitions through bbms sms and tweets.
I will miss discussing with friends and coach about how things should be done, and maybe more that just talking, but debating even about unnecessary things.

However, I have to move on, right? ;)
I'm gonna do other complicated things such as preparing myself to enter my favorite university, study study and study.
But it doesn't mean I'm not gonna do what I've ever done anymore.
You may not move, but the ideas are still there.
I'm not done with you, haha! :p

But in the end,

The bloody crown, but also the happiness gown,
which I'm wearing on,
have to be given to the next generation's leader,
MISS ZANETA AZZAHRA :D
Congratulations, new president of Debating Land Community of SMANITRA, aka DeLaCosta, aka DLC :)
I'm looking forward to DLC's new unbelievable trophies :D

:") --> :D

I LOVE DELACOSTA!
Thanks for the memories!
DeLaCosta POR SIEMPRE !!!

Thank you for the self-debate. Let's give a round of applause.

*prok prok*

I hereby close this round.

Let's Start Talking About LIFE! : Apapun yang Tuhan kasih, terima dengan ikhlas.

Naik sidhi, E-Party, dan Retreat.

All these 3 complicated things in a row, and I have to motivate myself not to just...die.

Apapun yang Tuhan kasih, kita harus terima dengan ikhlas, dan Tuhan udah ngasih ketiga event itu untuk saya jalani, dan saya terima.

Tapi kenapa teteeeep aja ada orang-orang egois yang mentingin dirinya sendiri, merasa bahwa ada 1 yang lebih penting daripada yang lain, dan mau hal ituuu aja yang diurusin.

Bahkan kalo badan ini bisa dibagi, saya rela deh. Tapi kan gak bisa, dan saya juga empot-empotan ngelaksanain ketiga hal di atas, saya masih bingung gimana caranya semuanya bisa lancar, saya bukan event organizer profesional yang kerjaannya emang ngurusin event.

Saya juga murid yang punya tugas utama belajar.

Saya seorang anak Tuhan yang punya tugas pelayanan dalam arti melakukan semuanya itu buat Tuhan, bukan buat manusia.

Saya seorang ketua debate yang punya tugas dalam organisasi yang saya pimpin dengan restu Tuhan, karena Tuhan juga bilang kan, ga akan ada tanggung jawab besar buat kita kalo kita ga setia di perkara kecil.

Dan gimana perasaan Anda sih, saat ada orang yang menghakimi Anda dengan bilang Anda mengutamakan pekerjaan duniawi daripada sorgawi?

Gimana perasaan Anda saat ada orang yang dengan gamblangnya bilang bahwa Anda menomorduakan pelayanan apabila Anda menggunakan DP di bbm itu event yang katanya "duniawi", dan sedangkan besoknya itu ya memang event tersebut. Ini kan masalah prioritas berdasarkan urgensi waktu.

Padahal menurut saya, pelayanan itu bukan diliat dari jenis institusinya... institusi rohani juga kalo kita ngelakuinnya motivasinya buat pamor atau duit atau sebagainya, ya bisa dibilang itu bukan pelayanan.

Sebaliknya dengan institusi non-rohani, kalo kita ngelakuin dengan motivasi untuk Tuham, ya itulah pelayanan.

Instead of helping, or at least offering a hand dan ga cuma marah-marah... He chooses to judge.

Tapi sekali lagi. Puji Tuhan, saya tetep diberi kekuatan buat, terima aja kalo ada yang nuduh dan ngejudge. Saya selalu inget nasihat dari seorang Tulang saya yang bicara waktu mandokhata naik sidhi saya (orang batak pasti ngerti) : Apapun yang Tuhan kasih, terima dengan ikhlas.